


ATTENTION! LOST ARM (If found please contact:)

by fakesheep-luna (octavaluna)



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky is the Summer Commodore, Detective Work, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Just a fluffy cracky piece for those three, M/M, Polyamory, and clowns, and there is a goat, scavenge hunt but like for real, this is really really stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-23 02:53:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4860290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octavaluna/pseuds/fakesheep-luna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky doesn't understand why everyone is so worked up. He just went out for a few drinks, made some new friends and passed out in a dumpster. No big deal!<br/>"No big deal??" Steve squeaks, throwing his hands up in the air "You lost your arm! And you don't even remember how!"<br/>"Well, at least it wasn't the good one."</p>
            </blockquote>





	ATTENTION! LOST ARM (If found please contact:)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like half a year ago, before aou came out, and forgot about it. Revising it this week I added a few aspects of canon that I liked but completely ignored the rest. So aou never happened, or if it did it's not reflected in this story. 
> 
> Enjoy <3

 

**  
**

"How... No, seriously, how..." Steve spreads his arms, standing in front of Bucky. He looks completely disbelieving - mouth agape and eyes wide as saucers.

"Only you." Tony sighs and shakes his head, already doing something complicated with his phone, hips leaning on the door frame and a scowl on his face.

Bucky suddenly feels like he's being lectured by his parents. Which is the grossest thing to happen to him today, and he woke up with a banana peel on his face. 

"It wasn't my fault!" He tries to defend himself "The night was warm and all nice, you two were busy, so I went out for a walk and then saw a bar and thought that one drink wouldn't hurt and-"

"And then you woke up in a dumpster and unarmed." Tony concludes. Steve rolls his eyes at the pun but his mouth remains pressed in a thin line of disaproval.

"And then I called you from the nearest cop station and you came to pick me up. You know the rest! No big deal."

"No big deal??" Steve squeaks, throwing his hands up in the air "You lost your arm! And you don't even remember how!"

"Well, at least it wasn't the good one." Bucky smiles cheerfully, trying to make the situation better and failing miserably. Steve walks away from him and buries his face in the crook of Tony's neck, hissing in frustration.

"The signal is lost." Tony says finally, one hand coming up to pet Steve's nape. "The transmission chip must be damaged. Let's hope the rest of the structure is keeping it together. There's tech in that beautiful thing that I'm not comfortable with letting loose on the black market. But we'll have to look for it the traditional way.

Steve's low growl is a pretty good indication of exactly how fun he thinks that's going to be. "I'll go wake up Bruce so he can test you for drugs. Better safe than sorry." He presses a quick peck to Tony's lips and leaves. 

"Why didn't I get a kiss?" Bucky pouts.

"Well," Tony grins at him "Cap would say it's because you didn't deserve it, but I say it's because you literally reek of shit."

 _Ouch!_ Although that is technically true.  Still, for the sake of their dynamics he, very maturely, sticks his tongue out at Tony, who sticks his own back out at him.

"Go take a shower, James. I'll dig out and prepare your old arm. And don't make that face. It's what happens when you don't take care of the presents I give you."

The shower feels wonderful and Bucky smiles as the hot water hits his face and body, relaxing his aching muscles and dissipating the fog in his head. He stays like that at least ten minutes, then picks up his sponge and starts rubbing furiously at his skin and hair. He even uses Tony's special shampoo to mask any remaining aromas. Which works better than intended because now he probably smells like bubblegum from a mile away. After all, the shampoo is special because Tony uses it to get a raise from Steve when he feels like being a dick.

 

"You know," Tony says later, as he's attaching the spare arm to Bucky's left shoulder "Steve's still not gonna kiss you if you smell like this."

Bucky rolls his shoulder experimentally and the fit of the old prosthetic, so familiar and reliable once, feels too heavy and clumsy on his body.

"Still got you, right?" He circles Tony's waist with the arm and insinuates himself closer, but Tony lays a hand on his collarbone and pulls away.

"You lost the precious, beautiful, arm I made specifically for you as a token of my devotion. Be grateful I didn't have time to program this one to dance _La Macarena_ at random."

"Oh c’mon! Just one little kiss."

"Nope."

"Please?"

"Nu-uh."

"But Toneee.-"

"No, James."

"Tony."

"Buckyyy-."

"Tony"

"No means no, Buck."

"Toneeeeey-"

"Children!" Steve's Captain America voice startles them both and they turn to stare at him, blinking innocently. Bucky's pretty sure he can see a vein throbbing on the man's temple. "If you two are done behaving like toddlers; Bucky - go to Bruce's lab for tests. I want to make sure we are dealing with alcohol-induced memory gap not... why do you smell like that?!"

"Better than garbage." Bucky shrugs. Steve glares at him. Then shakes his head and disappears into the bathroom.

"Someone's in a mood." Bucky murmurs, perfectly aware than Steve can hear him but not really giving a fuck. 

"Go." Tony gently pats the already attached metal arm. "I'll talk to him, okay?"

"My hero." He bats his eyelashes dramatically and Tony pinches his cheek, grinning fondly.

"I love you too."

"Still no kiss, tho?"

"No kiss."

Bucky chuckles and stands up. However, In a sudden fit of childish rebellion, he presses a sloppy peck to the corner of Tony's mouth and runs for the door, followed by an undignified "Hey!"

*

Steve's finishing drying his face with a towel when a couple of familiar arms circle his waist from behind. He leans into Tony, taking comfort in the solid press of the other man's chest along his back.

"You know this is a good thing, right?"

"How is it good?" Steve asks. "He doesn't remember, Tony. Doesn't remember. And he is so... so calm about it."

"Exactly." Tony's hair tickles his nape and one of his thumbs starts rubbing soothingly under Steve's ribs. "A year ago he still had trouble leaving the tower in company, let alone by his own. Now though... he may have been a little shaken up this morning when I picked him up, but he was perfectly fine again by the time we got home, demanding painkillers and whining about his hangover. It's a drunken incident and he is taking it as such, not as some terrible ploy by Hydra to get him and destroy everyone he loves. This is good, babe. This is a milestone in progress."

"Yeah?" Steve exhales with a soft smile, something loosening in his chest. He may still be slightly nervous and worried about Bucky, but then again, he always is an always will be, so nothing unusual on that front. "Looking at it from this angle, you may even be right."

"Of course, darling! I’m always right."

Steve turns around carefully and brushes his fingers through Tony's unruly locks, sliding his tongue between the man's open lips, tasting sugar and coffee and humming approvingly at the hand stroking the small of his back.

"What would I do without you?" He breathes out as they part. Cheeks rosy and a dopey curve to his mouth, as he buries his nose in his lover's hair, fitting their bodies closer together.

Tony doesn't answer, just smiles and lets himself be embraced.

*

Just when a blurry-eyed Dr. Bruce 'I'm not that kind of doctor' Banner confirms that Bucky has no traces of drugs in his body but enough of alcohol to kill a horse, which apparently does a fine job of calming Steve down even better than Tony's tongue did, Jarvis comes to life.

"Sirs" the AI sounds as confused as an artificial voice ever could. "There is a... package for master Barnes in the lobby, waiting to be collected."

"Did you order something?" Steve asks and Bucky shakes his head.

"Not that I can remember, no. At least till yesterday."

The three of them look between each other and then hurry for the elevator.

"Finally, some peace." Bruce grunts, curling around himself in the dentist's chair that Tony, for no reason whatsoever, gifted him for Christmas, and drifting back to sleep.

*

The delivery girl doesn't look nearly as impressed as she should, considering she's making a delivery directly to the Avengers' quarters and is even being interrogated by three of them.

"...Hell if I know! My job is to bring you the package. And if the package eats my pants I'm entitled to a compensation for it." To be fair, the package _does_ look like it's chewing on her pants. Steve pulls a couple of bills out of his wallet, handling them to the woman.

"And it only says 'From the Blistering Bronchitis for the Summer Commodore' in the order?"

"That, and this address, plus the note about the hundred and twelfth floor, yeah. Everything is paid for, but it was a bitch to deliver."

"Language." Steve chastises her, nevertheless handles the scrawny teenager another pair of bills as a tip. She shrugs and passes the cord she was holding to Bucky, who takes it hesitantly, eyeing the package.

The girl salutes them and promptly leaves, so the three, scratch that, four of them, are left standing in the lobby of the tower, Stark employees stepping around them as they rush to work.

"So-" Bucky snaps out of it first. "I bought a goat."

"You bought a goat." Tony confirms the obvious, staring at the fluffy, white animal.

"It's kinda cute." Steve smiles hesitantly but as he goes to pet it the beast snaps its teeth and almost bites his hand off. Bucky takes a step back.

"What are we gonna do with it?"

"Leave it in Thor's quarters." Steve grunts darkly in response "He will either roast it or ride it into battle."

Tony chuckles.  "Well, at least now I'm not the only one with a weird drunken story starring a goat."

"You have a weird drunken story starring a goat?"

"Yeah"

"Oh god! What did you do?"

"I gave birth to one."

The two men stare at him. And stare. And stare. Tony blinks.

"Why are you...?"

"Honeybee, is there anything you need to tell us?" Bucky asks hesitantly, because with their lives absolutely nothing is out of the realm of possibility, but Tony seems to realize what he just said and barks out a laugh.

"No, you dumbasses! I mean, I assisted in the birth of a goat."

Steve's exhale of relief only makes him laugh harder, and after a couple of seconds Bucky joins him. Tony's humor is contagious.  
  
The goat bleats, catching their attention again. Right, Thor's quarters.

"At least now we have a place to start from." Steve checks the receipt again, while the other two are doing their best to push the stubborn animal through the threshold of their resident demigod's floor. "If we assume that the 'Summer Commodore' for some bizarre alcohol-induced reason is Buck, then we have to figure out who the 'Blistering Bronchitis' is.

"What." Tony huffs, shutting the door closed.

"The Blistering-"

"Yeah, I mean it's a what, not a who. The BB is a bar in Hell's Kitchen."

"Please, tell me you didn't bite off anyone's nose there."

"One time! I did that one time when I was twenty two! And Rhodey still tells that story to every single human being we meet, and he always lets out the part where the guy was harassing me! No, I did not do anything indecent or violent there. Actually, by the standards of that bar I'm a model client."

"Wow, that bad? Really?"

"It's Hell's Kitchen, what were you expecting?"

*

The BB is obviously closed as they get there, but the three punky teenagers sharing a smoke in the corner pop out their eyes as soon as they see Captain 'Fuckin' America and Tony 'Goddamn' Stark arrive with-

"The Summer Commodore!"

"That nickname is really starting to get on my nerves." Bucky mutters dryly as they approach the kids who... bow to him.

"Okay, just what the hell happened here last night?"

The two boys are obviously too starry-eyed to talk. They look two seconds away from asking Tony for permission to lick his boots, so the girl with the pink and green hair takes the lead.

"Um, my name is Chelsea and last night-"

*

[10 hours earlier]

Chelsea and her friends have been trying to get into BB yet another time, despite all the guards knowing that they are all underage, when it happened.

A beautiful blonde woman came running out of the alley and, elbowing her way through the teenagers, flashed her cleavage at the guard who, obviously, let her in oblivious of anything out of place. The out of place being half a dozen thugs in shorts following her. When the guard tried to stop them he was knocked out in a heartbeat. The thugs dove into the bar, and so did Chelsea and her friends, making the most out of the opportunity. But soon enough they repented because suddenly everyone was fighting. People were throwing punches and chairs randomly, broken glass on the floor, the waiters desperate to put some order-

And then _he_ arrived. A shirtless man with a glistering metal arm and four clowns surrounding him.

"Wait." Steve interrupts her "It's not nice to call people that.”

She snorts, rolling her eyes. "Not if they are actual clowns. Duh! With colorful puffy costumes, big shoes, face-paint, red noses, all the jazz. So, like I was saying; the five of them burst into the club and the clowns started clapping and chanting " _Summer Commodore, Summer Commodore!_ " as the Summer Commodore began putting all the fighting people down. Just Woah!! He knocked them all out and then stood on a table and yelled a battle cry."

"Oh god..." Bucky grunts burying his face in his hands. "Please, kill me now or tell me I'm dreaming."

Tony, as discreetly as he can manage, pinches his behind and Bucky yelps. Chelsea grins at him. "And when you helped the blonde lady to her feet, kissed her hand and asked her if she was alright she offered you, in front of everyone, to go back to her place."

Suddenly Bucky can practically feel the temperature drop several degrees from the icy look that Steve is giving him. Tony, on the other hand, goes very, very still. Which is even worse. "Oh God... No, no, no... please tell me I didn't-"

"Don't worry" Chelsea interrupts his panicked rambling with a wicked grin “you, and here comes the best part, told her, and I quote 'I'M MOST PLEASED FAIREST OF WRENCHES, BUT MY FAITHFUL HAREM AWAITS FOR ME BACK HOME AND TO NONE OTHERS I PLEDGE MY HEART, BE WELCOME, HOWEVER, TO SHARE WITH ME AND MY DEAREST FRIENDS OUR DRINKS AND OUR JOYOUS ADVENTURE' like that."

"What the...?"

"Are you sure-" Tony, obviously relieved to know that Bucky isn’t some sort of dirty cheater, points with his thumb at the man in question "that you saw this guy and not a big, blond buff? One that talks like an ancient God and, you know, actually _is_ one? "

"No, I know my Avengers, don't worry. It was him."

"What happened next?" Bucky moans, mortified.

"The bar Staff offered their gratitude for subjugating the fight but you insisted in paying for the drinks and said that only 'SHE THAT IS WHITE LIKE THE MILK SHE GIVES US AND CARRIES THE DEVIL INSIDE' Would be a suitable compensation. And told them that if they choose to deliver, the gift should ‘REACH THE HUNDRED AND TWELFTH FOLD OF THE NEEDLE THAT BREACHES THE SKY, FOR IT IS MY HOME AND THE WORK OF MY BELOVED'S HAND' After that, you, the clowns and the woman left the party."

"So that's why they sent you a goat." Steve whispers in his ear. One mystery solved. 

"I didn't even give them my actual address! How did they...?"

"I don't know if you are aware, buddy," Tony says, arching one eyebrow over his sunglasses, "But even if you wear a mask this is kind of a trademark." He taps on the metal arm. "Somebody from the staff must watch the news from time to time, so they recognized you."

"I think my headache is coming back."

*****

 

Bucky leaves as Tony starts signing autographs for the kids. He sinks into the rear seat of the Audi, pressing his body to the left side door and sighing heavily. After a minute Steve climbs from the other side.

"Come here" He says with a soft expression and pat on his thigh. Bucky makes a hum of satisfaction as Steve's fingers start combing through his hair after he rests his head on his lover's lap.  "Are you okay?"

"Yeah" He assures. “I think I'm getting back some flashes, something with lots of colored lights and some neon signs, but nothing clear and my head is bitchin' me. Also, apparently, these days I turn into Thor when I'm drunk."

"I'm not going even to comment right now on the Thor thing. Mostly because I'm still having trouble fitting that into my understanding of reality. But we can stop at the pharmacy and pick up more painkillers. Shoulda have packed some with us."

"Nah, it's fine. I've been worse."

"Do you want me to stop?" His hand stills and Bucky whines in protest, nudging his temple into the wide palm. 

"Don't you dare! Don't you mind the smell, though?"

Steve chuckles lightly, resuming his stroking.

"Don't tell Tony, but I kinda like it. I just prefer playing along to his whims sometimes. Makes him happy."

Bucky spreads his lips in a dopey grin "Not nice, Rogers. We don't keep secrets in this relationship." but they both know he's kidding.

Steve starts rubbing gentle circles over his temple. "I'm sorry if I was rude this morning. Tony made me realize that maybe I was looking at it from the wrong angle."

"Mmm... nevermind. I know you nag yo'self too much sometimes. Wouldn't be my Stevie if you didn't."

Steve looks like he is going to say something cheesy in return but the front door opens and Tony slides into the driver's seat. He smiles at them in the review mirror and sticks his keys in the ignition.

"Okay, so let's see what we've got."

Steve nods, thankfully not removing his hand from Bucky's head. "We know there are the four clowns and the woman. Buck said he also remembers neon lights and signs. I'd go with the clowns. Is a circus act being played somewhere now?"

Tony takes his phone out. "You hear that, Jay?"

"The Big Apple circus comes to mind, Sir." Jarvis answers "I'm transmitting the coordinates to your navigation system."

"Good boy."

*  

The circus folk didn't have an idea about who Bucky was (apart from the Winter Soldier, Avenger, etc.) but they all were very persistent in fishing for Hawkeye's number. Luckily, the talking elephant heard something... yes,  the talking elephant. Apparently that's a thing that exists. So the talking elephant heard four of the clowns talking about going out for drinks. And he recognized one of them. Mickey Joe. Armed with the phone number of Mr. Joe the three Avengers fled the Circus a little bit more scarred for life.

"The circus is terrifying." Steve says, climbing into the backseat with Bucky. Tony drives them away a couple of blocks, before parking along the sidewalk and maneuvering himself between the front seats. He squeezes his ass between the other two men and they just sit there, leaning into each other and holding hands in silence for about ten minutes.

"What are we going to do if someday the circus tries to take over the world?" Bucky asks quietly.

"Seek Clint on them. He is one of their own." Tony deadpans and Steve raises an eyebrow at him. "What? You cannot deny that that explains hell of a lot!"

"Oh!" Steve suddenly remembers. "Buck, you didn't tell Clint that you woke up in a dumpster, did you?"

"No, I haven't seen him this morning, why?"

"Because it's kinda his thing. He gets very territorial of his dumpsters."

"What the FUCK?"

"Circus, babe, remember?"

Bucky glares at Tony "I wish that didn't speak to me on a spiritual level, I really do." Then at Steve "Why did you bring me into that nuthouse of Avengers tower?"

Steve smiles. That small, private thing that shows up more in his eyes than on his lips. "You can't say it wasn't worth it."

Tony chuckles softly at that but leans into the kiss pressed on his temple. Bucky watches them tenderly and then shifts too, resting his head on Tony's shoulder and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. "I'll give you that."

"You are both such insufferable saps."

"Shut up, Tone. You are ruining the moment."

*

Mickey Joe picks up on the fourth ring (the second time they call) and is being highly uncooperative for the moment. 

"Bucket? What bucket? Did I vomit in your bucket man? I could buy you a new one I..."

"Not bucket, Bucky. Bucky Barnes. We met last night."

"Oh man... I don't know any Bucky Barnes... Although the name sounds familiar... oh man wait... did I sleep with your daughter?

"No."

"Your wife?”

“No!”

“Your goat?"

"No my... my goat? I wouldn't care less if you slept with my goat but something tells me the fact that I now own a goat in the first place is your fault."

Bucky notices Steve's eyes widen in horror as Tony's mouth falls open. He grimaces and rests his hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Look, I was with you and your clown friends yesterday. And I lost something that I really need to get back." The sooner the better, because the old model is uncomfortable as hell and a thousand times less responsive than his baby.

"I swear I don't have your goat man..."

"Stop with the fucking goat! My arm! I lost my arm!!"

"Oh... did I sleep with your arm?"

Bucky decides it's time to give up. He just... gives up.

"Listen dude, can you text me the number of any of your clown friends from last night?" The outline of a name flickers briefly through the haze of his memories. Worth a try. "Charlie?"

"Charlotte? Sure dude..."

"Bye." Hopefully forever.

"I don't think I like the company you are keeping, dear." Tony sing-songs in exaggeratedly dulcet tones, fluttering his eyelashes. Steve barely manages to conceal his amused giggle behind his hand.

Idiots. Bucky thinks as he flips them the bird.  

"I'm not going to take socialite shit from you of all people, Stark."

Charlotte, as it turns out, doesn't have the predisposition for phone conversations, so she gives them an address. A hotel a couple of blocks from there.  
  
When the old, green door opens the trio is met with the sight of a dark haired woman in her late forties, traces of white paint on her face and smoking a cigar.

She leans on the door frame and regards with a calculated, bloodshot gaze Steve, humming appreciatively, then Bucky, a chuckle escaping her lips. She nods at him and then her eyes flicker in Tony's direction, staying there and widening with surprise.

"Staaark! Here's someone I thought I would never see in person again." Something in the familiar wickedness of her grin gives Tony the chills.

"Excuse me, have we met?"

"I'm not surprised you don't remember, actually. Yeah, a lifetime ago. Remember MIT '89? Charlotte Mc'Jersey. We fucked at Bruno Tratar's house party and you started crying when I told you to get lost."

Tony's eyes go huge with recognition, an unhealthy blush of embarrassment crawling over his cheeks. "I'll..." he starts creeping backwards "..go... drown myself in a bathtub or whatever." He turns on his heels, ready to run away, but Steve grabs him by the collar and pulls him against his side. Tony pouts but otherwise doesn't protest.

Bucky tries his best to stay stonefaced. He reminds himself that he loves Tony and that laughing right now would be inconsiderate and cruel. But as he meets Steve's eyes over Tony's head he knows that they are having the same struggle, so he settles for patting affectionately the poor guy's shoulder.

"Okay" Bucky turns back to the woman, that is now watching them with ill concealed interest. "I understand that we had, uh... some great time last night."

"You bet! Summer Commodore" She puffs out in a cloud of smoke "Though I can't remember half of it."

"Well, I can't remember 90% of it. Which is kinda a big-ass problem 'coz I lost something important and I have to get it back now."

"No wonder! You drank enough to kill two men!"

"I have a very quick metabolism." Not as quick as Steve's, or else he wouldn't be in that much trouble right now.

"I'd think that thing you lost to be your prosthesis, but..." she nods her head at his metal arm.

"No, I _did_. I lost my prosthesis. This is a spare. Can you help me?"

"Not really. Last thing I remember - you left with Peter and Brenda. I woke up on some bar's table this morning and just got here. We must have lost Jaime along the way."

"Brenda... Is that the blonde woman?"

"Yeah. A cutie. Pity, too young for me, and even if you overlooked that she kind of clung to you like Velcro all night. Tho' all you did was talk about your harem."

"I- I don't have a harem."

"I don't know about that" she says, arching her eyebrow as her eyes shift to the two men behind him "Do you know the kind of rumors circulating around about the Avengers?"

"I can assure you all of those are fake."

"Even those concerning you three?"

"Specially that lot. Do you have Brenda’s number?"

"Naah... and Peter is not answering, I already tried him. He's got Instagram though. You could see if you can  find anything of use there."  
  
She dives into her room and in a minute is back with a folded napkin held between two fingers. "It's private. I'll let you have the username and the password in exchange for a little something, dear."

Bucky frowns, hand halfway to snatching the napkin from her. "And what would that be?" His mind going directly to fat bank checks, government secrets, name droppings in front of cameras...

"Hawkeye's number."

"Oh for God's sake!!"

*

"So, you cried after sex?" Bucky inquires. They are cuddling in the backseat of the car again, Steve in the middle, one hand on Bucky's hip, the other scrolling through blurry pictures. Daaamn, that guy would make a shitty photographer. No need to make his account private, all of those already look like psychedelic, abstract art.

Tony grunts, kicking him in the shin. "Shut up. I was fourteen, too drunk to think straight but not drunk enough to stop caring. I was lonely, it was my first month at college and my third time ever. The first two kicked me out as soon as we were finished and I still don't know if it was because of my age or my annoying mouth. Then she tried to do so too and I broke down. So sue me!"

"You were already having sex at fourteen?" Steve frowns, visibly torn between pity and judgement.

Tony opts for kicking him too. “Shut up! Why are you not bitching Bucky about his _'harem'_ instead?

"Because he is afraid we'll make him belly-dance." Bucky shrugs and accepts Tony's fist-bump, their previous bickering quickly forgotten. 

Steve lightly elbows them both and sticks his nose in his phone. Focusing on one, more or less, acceptable photo.

It's a selfie of Bucky, a cute young woman and the last clown, presumably Peter, who's holding the phone. They look drunk out of their asses, sprawled over the hood of a cab. Thanks to the angle the photo was taken from they can see the name of the company and a good part of the plate number.

"You know, it's actually strange that none of that crap from yesterday ended up all around the internet." Bucky musters. "I thought people nowadays were all over our personal lives."

"Not really" Tony shrugs, retrieving his own phone and working his magic. "Normally 'Summer Commodore' would be trending topic but we are two weeks short from the Superbowl finale and the World Soccer Championship is around the corner. Plus there are those corruption in the white office leaks circulating around, so all the sweetest corners of twitter have been taken over by sports and politics. Nobody cares about a drunk avenger causing minimal havoc, those were already old news in my time.  Instagram, with the exception of a few like your friend here, has mutated into an ode to food, cats and decorated nails. Facebook is slowly dying, and Tumblr's fauna doesn't usually get out of their houses past midnight. Therefore; you are one lucky son of a-"

"Language." Steve cuts him off, and both brunets roll their eyes at the same time. "Do you have it?"

"A moment..." Tony grins, sticking the end of his tongue out just a little bit. "... aaand, done. Got the driver's phone number."

*

The seasoned cab driver seems highly unimpressed by them as well.  After so many years since giant robots, alien invasions, magic animals and all that shit first started attacking New York the Avengers have been progressively becoming something akin to a firefighter crew. It's not like people aren't grateful for what they do, but they aren't sensation anymore. (Except on the gossip front, put they share that scene with the boy-bands d'jour and Paris Hilton's dog.)

Then again, they've woken him up after an all-night shift. Bucky's pretty sure in those circumstances even Jesus would be received with a cuss. But he wasn't picking up so... So now that Bucky's thinking about it it might have been deliberate. Thank god for Tony's superpower. A beautiful check with a nice, round number never fails in buttering people up just the right way.

"A real piece of work that girlie of yours." The driver sighs. "Kept insisting in bringing you to her place but looked too hammered to walk. I hope her brothers helped you deal with her."

The three men exchange a look. "Brothers?"

"Yeah, two big guys, all beefy like the friend here" He points at Steve's chest. "Dressed in black with short pants. Kids today and their Goth and Punk and all that gay culture. When I was younger..."

"Where did you bring  us, and where did the brothers come from?" Bucky speaks up, interrupting what surely is about to become an old-man tirade. 

"34th with 12th, you got outta on there, when the brothers met you two and left your circus friend with me."

"And you know they were her brothers because...?"

"She said so and called them while you were in the taxi. Not sure about how much they must have helped tho, because now that I'm thinking 'bout it they were carrying bottles. Vodka. Yeah, caramel vodka. Good stuff, too womanly tho, my cousin's father in law-"

"Caramel vodka. That explains why my mouth tasted of shit and sugar this morning." Bucky leans down, whispering into Tony's ear. Knowing perfectly that Steve is able to hear him over the cabbie's story about his family and illegal alcohol brewing during prohibition. Like they didn't live through prohibition themselves!

"Well now I'm just glad neither of us kissed you today." Tony whispers back, his grin humid and warm against Bucky's earlobe.

"I brushed my teeth. Twice." Bucky tries to defend himself. Tony's face is way too close for what they usually allow themselves in public. Bucky can even see the ever-present sparks in his eyes and smell the faint tint of aftershave overlaying the motor oil scent that's become engraved into his skin. All of that remembering Bucky again that he, indeed, had not received one single kiss today yet. Not to mention anything else.  
  
Tony's hand subtly creeps down, cupping his ass and squeezing with intent. Okay, now the jerk is just teasing him, so, so not fair...

Steve, bless his beautiful soul, maneuvers his hand behind Bucky's back too and grabs Tony's wrist, tugging it away. But the damn brat twists it so Steve’s knuckles brush against the left cheek of Bucky's ass. Then Tony sticks his hand in Bucky's jean pocket and Steve doesn't exactly follow the most efficient tactic for batting it away.

Okay, now that's downright ridiculous. Are they engaging in a thumb battle in his pocket or what?

"Stop that!" He hisses, slapping both their hands away. However, it's the cabbie who looks up disapprovingly, emerging from his elegant tale of some family member puking their guts out during their own wedding.

"Youth today!" He scrunches up his nose. "You were born yesterday and you think you own the world, disrespecting your elders like that... Boys like you, with your metrosexuality and your hipsteriarity and your Starbucks and french movies. Back in my day men were men, not that. He waves a hand at the three of them. And then it stikes Steve:

"You've got no idea who we are, do you?"

"What, are you some boxers models that appear naked in women's mags or one of those new age music bands my granddaughters salivate for? Like those are jobs for true men!"

"Why don't you look closer at who signed your check?" Tony inquires. The man glances down mistrustfully, then pulls the glasses, that have been hanging from a cord around his neck all along, up his nose. As he takes in the name and signature he visibly freezes. His small, pale-grey ayes widening comically behind the thick glass as he raises his head and stares at Tony, then at Bucky and finally setting on Steve, recognition sparkling in his gaze.

"Holy Virgin Maria and Jesus our lord." He whispers reverently. Bucky pats his shoulder, smirking smugly.

"For your information, caramel vodka was not a thing during prohibition. I should know, I drained all the filthy, illegal stuff brewed in bathtubs that there was to drain and more."

"Cm'on, guys. We've got our lead." Steve sighs. He looks so resigned for a good reason. This is the third time this month that somebody assumed he is an underwear model. You'd think people knew his face already.

They wave goodbye to the old man, who's still staring ahead in shock, and walk towards their car in a companionable silence.

"I'm going to contact Jones, see if she knows about any gang in hell's kitchen that wears shorts as a standard uniform." Tony mumbles, taking out his phone and fumbling with the keys.

As he walks ahead a couple of steps Bucky turns to Steve and carefully slides his arms around the other man's waist. Gosh, he still isn't completely used to Steve being so- so bulky.

"Hey there" Steve smiles, a little bit confused but accepting the embrace nonetheless. "What's this for?"

"Oh you know. For being a good friend, and a good boyfriend and for defending my honor."

"What hon-?" Before he could finish Bucky pinches his ass with his metal fingers. "Auch!"

He draws back as Steve jolts in his arms. "Payback's a bitch, Rogers."

"Why me? Why solely me?" The punk pouts, rubbing his backside and glaring at his lover warily.

"Because the last time I gave Tony an opening like this he got me on record for public indecency."

"Fair point."

*

Jessica had nothing new to offer, intel wise.  However, they don't actually need it either. As soon as their car rolls into the docks Steve notices a man in a black suit jacket and shorts. No, but seriously, what kind of self-respecting criminal ring wears shorts? Where do they think they live? Miami? The 50's?  
  
The three men silence their phones and follow their unwitting guide.

Steve and Bucky were trained in espionage and Tony, despite being generally as discreet as a thermo-nuclear ball of glitter while wearing the armor, is surprisingly light on his feet. After a good forty minutes of what could only be qualified as the most boring trailing in the history of superhero spying they finally see the man tap on the door of a container and being let in.

There's no way to figure out what's going on inside but one.

Bucky and Tony check their I.C.E.R guns as Steve taps on the door. "Pizza delivery!"

"We didn't order any pizza" Comes from inside.

"Well, I've got two pepperoni and one Hawaiian with extra pineapple so ya better make sure it's not yours 'coz I've totta get paid for those!" He grins at Bucky who blows him a kiss for his familiar Brooklyn accent. Steve's too inclined to hide it these days. Pity.

Oh my god they can't be _that_ stupid! There's a sound of gears shifting and then the door unlocks revealing another guy in shorts. Steve brings him down with a knee to the solar plexus and charges inside, his boys hot on his tail.

The fight turns out to be rather anticlimactic. three goons go down by Steve's hand, four more and three women get shot by the I.C.E.R, and in less than a minute the only ones left standing are the three avengers and the blonde woman from the photos.

"You!" Bucky and her exclaim at the same time. She swears under her breath. "I Knew we should have slashed you. But nooo... 'We don't do that Becky. We are not killers, Becky.' And now what?"

"I'm... guessing your name is not Brenda then."

"No, it's Becky."

"Doesn't she look a little bit like Taylor Swift to you?" Tony whispers to Steve.

"Becky, nice to meet you, I'm Bucky. Hey, we could be family! Now, where is my arm?" He asks, still pointing at her with his gun but relaxing his shoulders as a sign of good will.

"I don't know what are you talking about." She spits out, chin high.

"Look, that thing was StarkTech in the most direct meaning of the word." He tilts his head towards Tony, who smiles and waves. "And, historically speaking, the people that steal his tech don't tend to turn up well."

"You aren't going to kill me." she points out " Avengers don't kill people."

"But we are used enough to aliens and mutant giant science experiments to have very little patience left for dealing with wanna-be gangsters. So you are going to tell me now where the fuck is my arm and how did you manage to get a hold of it. Of we are going to see how do you like being treated as an actual criminal in custody. Just a little tip - SHIELD doesn't have the same policy about murders as we do. Moreover, the Big Boss has the ability to accelerate the particles of your brain until it becomes liquid jello."

Becky grits her teeth and looks away. Brave little sparrow. Okay then. "Steve, turn it on."

Steve sighs but steps forward nonetheless, resting his hand on Bucky's bicep and driving him aside. He nods at the woman and... stares at her.  
  
It's his full "Captain America disapproves of your actions." stare. Legendary among both the villain and the law enforcement world because it has the power to make anyone, even the most heartless criminals, the most manic psychopaths, feel inadequate about their life choices. True to god, the Avengers win approximately 30% of their encounters with petty and medium crime by unleashing their ultimate weapon. Which basically means looking pretty on the sidelines and letting Cap do his eyeball thingy.

Becky lasts the admirable total of three minutes but soon starts fidgeting and trying to look anywhere but at Steve's face. She tries, she really does, but the weight of Steve's disappointment may as well be powerful enough to crush an elephant (or Volstagg) and her fragile, human bones hold no chance against it.

"Okay! Fiiine! Jesus this is annoying. We are just starting in the criminal world, okay? We are a young gang."

"That explains the shorts." Tony nods.

She shots him a dirty look but continues. "We were doing our 'girl in distress' performance to start a fight and easily mug the party-goers, because we are in a desperate need for funding-"

"I see. So you just didn't have enough money to buy full pants." Bucky deadpans, and air-high-fives Tony, snickering."

"As I said...! We need funds. So we were at that club and then this clown-" She snarls at Bucky "shows up with actual clowns, and starts taking my comrades out. But he looked hella hammered so I thought - why not? I could take him home and demand a ransom, or something. Except that he didn't want to come. Kept yelling about his harem or some shit. At the end we managed to get him so drunk we had to drag him to base. But then our boss said it was too risky to keep him on premises, so we could just take the prosthesis, which looked expensive, and dump him somewhere to die of liver failure or whatever."

"So you _did_ take my arm!"

She scrunches her nose. "One of the gals you knocked out is pretty good with tech, her family comes from a long line of mechanics and engineers, so she figured out how to disengage it. Yeah, we took it off you and had it until like thirty minutes ago. You are hella late, tho."

"Oh what now!?" Bucky whines. He's so sick of this scavenge hunt already.

"We placed an ad on Ebay this morning and found a buyer. She called us and dictated the specific meet-up address to our delivery guy. Danny left with the package twenty minutes before you burst into here, brutes. And he forgot his phone, so this is not your day, after all."

"Let me see if I understood that correctly." Tony groans "You stole a piece of tech worth more than the budget of a small country, placed an ad on Ebay and somebody actually bought it? What the hell is wrong with you people???"

Becky just shrugs. "Told you we are new to this."

"And I suppose you don't know the address. Wait, how much did you even sell it for?"

"No, and ugh... five hundred bucks."

"Whoah!" Steve rushes to hold Tony as the poor man almost faints and face plants into the floor "Honey stay with me. We can still make this right. Stay with me, my love."

Tony whines pathetically, burying his nose in Steve's shirt. "five hundred dollars?  Five hundred?... like... two and three?"

"I know babe, but for some people that's a lot of money. Specially for a stolen object."

"Stevieeeee... that's what Jarvis tips our Chinese delivery boy with. Five hundred... like a microwave!!"

"You actually don't know how much microwaves cost, do you?"

"Why would I know that? If I need one I make it. Steeeeveeeee... We have to get that arm back. These peasants are so ignorant about the wonders and finery of superior tech. They don't know how to appreciate it, how to love it." 

Not giving a flying fuck about the girl watching them Steve bents down and kisses he top of his forehead. "You can trace the buyer's ID, right?"

Tony blinks up at him. Brown, doe eyes lighting up like a campfire from a single spark. "I can. Of course I can! Steve you are a genius and grief makes me stupid! Where is their computer?" He wrestles out of Steve's tender embrace, turning his whole body along with his head in a flurry of motion. "Never mind! Found it! Oh my god this is ancient... Jesus Christ on a bike is this Windows Vista? And it's- Are you fucking kidding me? Were you really planning to barge into the criminal world with an ancient laptop running on pirated Windows Vista?" He seems extremely disgusted by the mere idea of touching it.

"I told you - tough budget." She scowls.

"But... this is like trying to play Assassin's Creed on a hair straightener! Okay, almost got it... What the hell?"

"Tony?"

He looks perplexed at the screen.  "This is not a buyer... this is-" He rummages through his pockets, fishing out his phone and turning it on with a complicated thumb motion. "Explain." 

"You know, Sir?-" Jarvis' mildly annoyed voice blares from the devise. "There used to be a time when you would think twice before muting me and getting off the grid. A time when I could reach you at any time and didn't have to go begging my amazing best friend, who is a very busy person, by the way, to play gangster pick up." No human in history would ever be able to sound as disapproving and exasperated as Jarvis in this very moment and Tony deflates a little bit, suddenly looking slightly unhappy and guilty.

"Sorry, Jarvis." Steve scratched the back of his neck sheepishly, even though the AI can't see him. "He didn't want to turn his phone off but we made him. We thought it could give away our position."

"Sir?"

"Yeah, sorry Jay. You know I don't like to be incommunicado from you." Tony mumbles. He knows Jarvis better than the AI knows itself though, so when he hears the faint, humming noise, which is his incorporeal equivalent of a shrug, Tony's shoulders lose a fraction of their tension.

"I certainly do, Sir. Also, I already took the liberty of sending a police patrol to your location."

"Thanks. So... I guess then that Quake has my arm?" Bucky asks.

"She does, Master Barnes. Although, in her own words, if you don't come to collect it soon she's going to stick it from the ground in a cemetery and sit by to watch people freak out."

"I knew there was a reason I liked her!" Tony says, grinning.

*

The first thing Bucky does as soon as he catches sight of Quake, sitting on a fountain and holding a packet wrapped in a dark cloth, is yank said packet out of her arms and, tearing the cloth out of the way, kiss fervently the polished metal.

"Woah! Hold it in there, tiger. I think you've got some serious competition, guys." She waves at the approaching Steve and Tony, as Bucky whispers apologies to the smooth metal. He really, really, hates the old model.

Tony sighs fondly and gives the woman a one-armed hug while Steve just looks embarrassed for Bucky. "It's been a crazy day even by Avengers standards and he is very emotional right now.  Thank you for the save, Director Johnson. You didn't have to do this. I understand you have more important things to spend your time on."

"No problemo, Mr. Apple pie. Even I am allowed to take a break from time to time. Besides, it was worth it just for the explanation that Jay gave me."

"Jarvis doesn't know half of it." Steve mumbles, remembering the circus.

"Oh" She arches one eyebrow "So you don't have a Norse God rampaging through your tower on the back of a rabid goat high on magic apples like, right now?"

"My tower!!" Tony throws his hands up in the air with an inhuman shriek, rushing for the car.

Then, however, he stops dead on his tracks, turns around and marches straight into Bucky's personal space, pulling at his hair and smashing their mouths together in a mind-blowing kiss. Exactly two minutes later he lets go of the dazed supersoldier, pats him on the cheek, and runs away again.  
  
Tony Stark has a goddamn property to save before it gets burned down to ashes.

"Damn." Daisy whistles, looking from Bucky to Steve "Why nowadays all the best men are either taken, gay, or a bunch of computer code?  Where did America go wrong, Cap?"

"I wouldn't know, Director. You should ask the Summer Commodore instead."

**  
**  


**Author's Note:**

> Please come say hi on [Tumblr](http://fakesheep-luna.tumblr.com) :)


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